cycloWHAT?

An Interview with Colin Reuter - Part 3

In the closing act of this Shakesperean play that is the interview with Colin Reuter, we discuss some serious topics. More specifically, we discuss his new team, his new race, and eating poo.

me: Now I’m ready to talk about your crossresults.com cyclocross team. It seems like you picked some real dickwads for the roster.

colin.reuter: The team is pretty awesome. At first the criteria was, “be fast,” but then I realized that all the fast people already have a good hookup, so the criteria became, “be amusing to me on the internet and fun to hang out with.” It turns out that i like hanging out with dickwads.

me: Are you at home right now?

colin.reuter: Yes, I’m at home.

me: Is your home as cold as mine right now? I’m wearing a fleece jacket.

colin.reuter: I’m sitting next to an open window, because I’m not a huge pussy.

me: Because you’re from Maine.

colin.reuter: And I’m from Maine. Also, I drank coffee, so my metabolism is at like 4x speed, so I’m running pretty hot.

me: That’s what she said?

colin.reuter: I doubt it.

me: Why start a team?

colin.reuter: My current sponsorship broke down, and I’d been thinking about it for a while. I figured it was a good time to take control of my situation. In retrospect, apparently I wanted to do an incredible amount of work for free. But I did get a sweet kit outta the deal.

me: How big are you planning on going with the team. What’s the long term vision? Again, short answer, please.

colin.reuter: Right now it’s 8.5 people, depending on my bidding war with Landry’s to sign a rider. Long term vision? I dunno, 8-10 people who are cool and write funny emails that fill my inbox? Clearly this is a very professional team.

me: No care for growth and development of the sport? Oh wait, you hate juniors.

colin.reuter: Ah. Well, I like teaching people how to not suck at cross. We have some great charity cases on the team that I hope to mold into super sandbaggers, similar to yourself, but nah, Junior development… I haven’t found juniors to be very good at writing hilarious emails. Maybe I can help them with that first and then put them on the team.

me: I think I made it pretty clear at my first race that I am not sandbagging.




me: I went to the Ice Weasels race last year. It was fun.

colin.reuter: We got so lucky with 2 inches of packed snow.

me: Can you guarantee that same snow every year?

colin.reuter: Absolutely. If there’s anything that’s consistent, it’s weather in Massachusetts.

me: I hear there might be another race with Weasels coming up?

colin.reuter: Oh yeah. NIGHT WEASELS. Like Ice Weasels, but, you know, in the dark, and not on ice, or at a farm, or in December. So actually nothing like Ice Weasels, except the same promoters, kind of.

me: Oh, now the name makes sense. Thank you.

colin.reuter: We are blatantly trying to cash in on the Weasel brand name.

me: You type too fast…

colin.reuter: It’s gonna be at Ski Ward in Shrewsbury

me: Where’s it gonna be?

colin.reuter: And I’m pretty sure that night cross is automatically awesome.

me: Is night cross awesome? Please, don’t wait for me…

colin.reuter: So it turns out ski area lights aren’t that bright. They’re bright enough to race a bike under, but just barely. Ergo, this race will be even awesomer, because if you’re riding in a pack, their shadows are gonna really F with you.

me: Maybe you can give everyone infrared goggles with their number. How’s the prize list?

colin.reuter: I am 95% sure we are going to pay more to 1st place than any other CX race in New England this fall.

me: On the record?

colin.reuter: Yeah. I mean, I haven’t checked, but if everyone else is doing the UCI C2 minimum payout, we’ve got ‘em beat.

me: In what category? Cat 3/4?

colin.reuter: Yeah, the Cat 3 32-34 race. Huge payout there.

me: Nice. I’ll be there.

colin.reuter: I think your buddy, Tim Johnson, will be, too, unless he doesn’t like money.

me: Tim not like money?

colin.reuter: Unless Tim hates payouts he will come to our race.

me: If Tim wasn’t racing bikes he’d be like those two little kids in Slumdog Millionaire outside the Taj Mahal. Or Deuce Bigalow.

colin.reuter: Exactly, so TJ will be there.

me: Were you able to secure the big name starter, Matt O’Keefe?

colin.reuter: I haven’t negotiated start money with Mr O’Keefe yet.

me: Good luck with that.

colin.reuter: I’m waiting to see how badly he does in Vermont, then I’ll lowball him when he’s at his weakest. I’m not worried about him taking home any prize money. Although what’s his racing age? We have some special money for the top 40+ rider.

me: Well then, CrossResults.com, crossresults cx team, Ice Weasels, Night Weasels, Day Job, Non-engaged girlfriend, Racing, Land Baron. What’s missing?

colin.reuter: Seat cams? Blog? I dunno. You’re the guy interviewing.

me: It was a figurative question.

colin.reuter: What’s missing is a point to my existence {sobs}

me: That’s what I’m talking about. Now you’re getting it.

colin.reuter: Yeah, you’re onto me. I cry myself to sleep every night because I’m not married with a kid in suburbia, begging my wife to let me race Cat 4 masters once a month.

me: If I had a kid, I’d think you were talking about me. Are your parents divorced?

colin.reuter: Nope. Maybe that’s why I’m so “well-adjusted.”

me: Hmmm, pretty jaded view of marriage.

colin.reuter: I’m an engineer. I have to deal with things logically.

me: Whatever, I waited 12 years to propose. No biggie.

colin.reuter: Oh man, I’ve still got 5 years then.

me: There you go. Make here wait. There’s definitely no one better for her than you out there.

colin.reuter: If there’s someone better she’ll end up with them anyway, ring or no.

me: OK, last question:

Would you rather:

A. Pull all your own fingernails out?

or

colin.reuter: (already cringing)

me: B. Eat three pounds of your own merde.

colin.reuter: oh MAN! Do my fingernails grow back?

me: Of course, even after you die, I think.

colin.reuter: Oh yeah. I mean, eating that much shit could kill you. I guess it’s gotta be the fingernails. I’d like to think I could swallow that much poo, but I might die.

me: We should try it.

colin.reuter: Also, man, you’re fucked up.

Part 1 of the Interview

Part 2 of the Interview